Notes and Takeaways from How to Network Without Feeling Like an A-hole

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When I read it: February 2020

Why I read it: Most people hate networking. I certainly do. But as my new ventures ramp up, I know I’m going to have to do it. This book is about how to transform networking from a series of transactions into a long term investment in new friendships. If you hate networking too, maybe these notes will be useful to you.

Go to the amazon listing for details and to read or scroll down for my notes.

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My notes

One predictor of whether a candidate will get a job is whether he or she knows someone who already works at the company.

Early in your career most professional opportunities come from your abilities and achievements. Later in your career, they mostly come from relationships. 

The most interesting opportunities aren’t publicized.

To find these opportunities, you have to network. (Same with customers and partners if you run a startup)

Why we hate networking

Humans want genuine relationships built on trust, shared experiences, and generosity ⇒ but traditional networking is transactional. Think elevator pitches, business cards, LinkedIn spam, etc.

Traditional networking is manipulative.

Generosity stems from genuine friendship ⇒ The people who know, like, and trust you will go out of the way to help you. (This requires connection.)

The traditional networking paradigm is about utility (not connection) ⇒ traditional networkers effectively use people.

But as humans, we don’t actually want to use people ⇒ we prefer to connect, share, and collaborate.

Brené Brown ⇒ “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

The components of a friendship

A friendship is made up of the following components:

  1. A connection. 

  2. A future.

  3. Shared positive experiences.

  4. Shared connections.

1. A connection

When meeting people for the first time, focus on making genuine connections ⇒ if you want a real relationship, don’t skip this step.

Put your goals to the side. Don’t sell and avoid overarching (i.e. asking for something that requires more trust and friendship than you already have) ⇒ it makes people uncomfortable and can be off-putting.

Elevator pitching yourself doesn’t work to create a connection ⇒ A elevator pitch is meant to interrupt someone / grab their attention and make an ask.

To build connections, master small talk ⇒ this allows you to engage in a group conversation.

Tips for engaging in group small talk:

  • Don’t introduce yourself until you have the floor.

  • When you introduce yourself, focus on positive emotion versus cold, hard facts.

    • Humans are emotional beings ⇒ feelings > thoughts ⇒ we like people who make us feel good

    • Introduce yourself using something you’re enthusiastic about

    • A good introduction includes something meaningful to you.

    • Here’s a framework:

      • Choose a topic that’s meaningful to you (something you love, you want, you’re curious about, or that matters to you).

      • Elaborate on that topic using past, present, and future.

      • End with a question-based invitation to share the dialogue with others

      • Example: 

        • I really love ______. In the past, _____. Now, _____. In the future______. Do you have any ______ to recommend?

  • Take into account what others want and what they know (this probably has minimal to do with your past) ⇒ pay attention to positive emotion.

  • Timing is important ⇒ The right time to give a personal introduction is when you have an invitation to do so

  • Find common interest

Tips on entering (or butting into) a conversation:

  • Ask people you already know to introduce you

  • Listen for enthusiasm and ask a related question when there is a pause ⇒ AND LISTEN to the answer.

When connecting, be thoughtful about the lines of privacy / social distance ⇒ certain topics are off limits until you are invited to discuss them (Safe topics include: work, tastes, hobbies; Off limit topics include: relationships, health, finances, beliefs) ⇒ When in doubt, bring the conversation back to work, tastes, hobbies. (Note: I’m particularly bad at this... small talk bores me and I often move too quickly into off limit topics.)

Debating opinions and beliefs is a great way to deepen connection, but not a great way to start one ⇒ wait until you are invited in to talk about this stuff and be OK with never being invited in.

2. A future

If a connection has no future, it’s not a relationship ⇒ You must keep it moving forward so it has time to deepen.

Giving a connection a future is the easiest part, but it’s also the most anxiety-inducing ⇒ the best way to make sure a connection has a future is to plan the next meeting during the first one. 

To create a future for a connection, do two things: 1) create a reason to meet again and 2) get permission to contact them. 

Here are some ways to create a future:

  • Ask for something:

    • “I’d love to speak with you for 15 minutes about your work. I’ll reach out to schedule a call!”

    • “I can’t wait to read the article you told me about. I’ll shoot you an email tomorrow so you can forward it to me.”

    • “Could I have your card? I’d love to follow up with you on [insert topic of interest].”

    • “You seem to be an expert on [topic]. Would it be OK if I emailed you later this week for some recommendations?”

  • Offer something

    • “What’s your email? I’ll forward you the article we discussed.”

    • “I’d love to introduce you to my friend who’s [relevant] to topic”

    • “I’ll be back in town in [later month], let me buy you a lunch”

    • “I need to look up the [topic] recommendation, but I’ll send it to you next week.”

Only do this on topics you both know and want to discuss ⇒ don’t force this.

Don’t ask for too much ⇒ Don’t ask people to put their reputation on the line before they are ready.

When someone gives a favor, show gratitude ⇒ Say thank you and help them understand the impact their favor had.

3. Shared positive experiences

Long-term friendships are based on shared positive experiences. The more experiences you share and the more positive they are as a whole, the deeper and more meaningful the relationship will be.

These can take many forms ⇒ information sharing, shared struggle, helping one another, doing something together, finding common interests, etc. 

4. Shared connections

One reason it’s hard to make better friends than you had in school is the lack of a shared network of connections—everyone was friends with everyone else, so relationships evolved quickly and deeper. 

To benefit from this effect, it’s important to connect others to others ⇒ but the connections must be mutually beneficial.

Quotes mentioned

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” 

- Oscar Wilde