Notes from How to ask for help and get a "yes" via TED
When I listened to it: June 2021
Why I listened to it: I've always been curious about why we humans find it so hard to ask each other for help. In this TED talk, social psychologist Heidi Grant shares four simple rules to follow when asking someone for help.
Go here for the talk or scroll down for my notes.
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My notes
About Heidi Grant
Dr. Heidi Grant is a social psychologist who researches, writes, and speaks about the science of leadership and motivation. She is the author of Reinforcements: How to Get People To Help You and Nine Things Successful People Do Differently.
Asking for help is uncomfortable.
We risk rejection. That's why most people avoid it.
The solution is to get good at asking for it.
One way to get comfortable with asking for help is to get good at it. If you decrease your chances of rejection, it's less risky.
If you want help, you have to ask for it.
Don't be tricked by your internal illusion of transparency, which is our tendency to overestimate how much of our personal mental state is known by others. This illusion often causes us to wait for someone to notice our needs. But this doesn't work because your thoughts, feelings, and needs are not obvious to other people. And even if people know you need help, it's impossible for them to know how you want them to deliver it.
According to research, 90 percent of all help that is given in the workplace results from explicit requests for help. If you don't ask for help, don't expect to get it.
Asking for help doesn't guarantee you will get it
Sometimes people will reject your request for help. Other times your request will be ignored.
Through her research, Heidi Grant has discovered why people respond to our help requests the way they do.
Here are 4 trick to keep in mind
Heidi Grant shares four tactics you can use to increase your chances of getting help when you ask for it:
Be specific
Avoid disclaimers, apologies, and bribes
Do it live
Follow up with people who say yes
1. Be specific
When you ask for help, be very specific about the help you want and why. Vague, indirect requests make it hard for the person you're asking for help. When someone doesn't know what you're asking for, they can't determine if they have the ability to help you. Say what you want and give the other person the opportunity to decide if they are able and willing to do so. Even if they might not be able to help you directly, they could point you in the direction of someone who could.
2. Avoid disclaimers, apologies, and bribes
When you ask for help, avoid disclaimers, apologies, and bribes. These actions can make the helper feel uncomfortable and distant from you, reducing their willingness to help you. Helping one another is a natural part of a relationship. It's how we show we care.
3. Do it live
When you ask for help, do it in person or over the phone. Don't do it over email or text. Email and text are impersonal, which makes it easier for people to reject or ignore your request for help. According to research, in-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes than requests made by email.
4. Follow up with people who say yes
When you ask for help and get a yes, follow up with the helper afterward to let them know their help was effective. And be specific about how it helped. One myth about giving help is that it feels good when you give it. This is not true. In reality, giving help only feels good when you know your help was actually impactful. If you want people to continue to help you over the long term, take time to tell them that what they did for you really helped.
For example, when Heidi Grant was a professor, she wrote many letters of recommendation for her students. For almost every single one, she has no idea if her help actually helped the students get a job.
For another example, consider donor appeals from nonprofits. The most persuasive fundraising requests allow donors to visualize the effect of their contributions.