Parenting Handbook

A handbook for effective parenting.

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Parenting Principles

From the parents' perspective, children’s lives can be organized into four distinct phases: the discipline years (ages 0-5), the training years (ages 6-12), the coaching years (ages 12-18), and the friendship years (ages 18+). The friendship period is the longest, but the first three periods lay the foundation.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is a healthy marriage. Avoid building a child-centered family. Spirituality (and mental health) first. Spouse second. Kids third. No amount of work can make up for failure at home. Build up your spouse 24/7 in front of your kids. Two simple goals of parenting could be: 1) raising your children to want to be with you once they have a choice, and 2) building a relationship with your spouse (if applicable) so that you both enjoy being together after the children are gone. Family traditions and experiences leave the most lasting memories. Establish your home as the place where your kids and their friends want to hang out.

Teach them how to pick friends. Your child’s character hinges on the traits you exhibit as a parent. Who you are and who you spend time with matter more than what you do. Be the person you want your kids to be, befriend, and marry. Spend time with people you want your kids to be, befriend, and marry.

Discipline with the goal of preserving your relationship, not for preserving your reputation. Avoid disciplining in anger. Consider the power of your tongue—your words have a huge impact. Love your children and believe the best in them. Be generous with grace and forgiveness. Help them see they are part of the family and the family is special. Make it clear the family has high standards while reiterating your belief that they can reach these standards. Don’t pretend it’s easy—acknowledge it is hard.

Enforcing rules without a relationship leads to rebellion. Enforcing rules without a foundation of trust and human connection can lead to resentment and resistance, particularly in parenting. Keep your promises. Do what you say you are going to do, even in the little things. Even better: under promise, over deliver. Live by commitments, not by feelings

Help your kids build resilience. Don’t bail. Let them fail. Let kids learn how to handle failure, learn from their mistakes, and build themselves back up, just as they will throughout life. Teach the importance of flexibility and adaptability to coping with life. Help them grow deep roots that withstand tough storms. Storms are inevitable. Teach and model a strong work ethic. Don’t just be involved in your kids’ lives; have them be involved in yours as well. Take them to work, to visit a friend, or to do things you enjoy. Look for teachable moments every day. Share both success stories and lessons from failure.

Help your children build good judgment. Teach them how to think and make informed decisions. Self-discipline is the key factor that separates success from failure. Teach them to delay gratification. Discipline trumps desire.

Teach a growth vs fixed mindset. See that your children understand their unlimited potential. On an infinite timeline, they can do anything. Help them understand that lifelong learning is the key to self-actualization and self-mastery. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you choose to respond to it.

Model humility. Stay humble, teachable, and coachable. Explain the virtues of humility. Apologize to your kids when you are wrong. Teach the importance of good manners and common courtesies. Teach compassion for the less fortunate. Respect the dignity of other people—all people. Strength is found in serving, not in being served. Tame self-centeredness—you can’t always get your way.

Avoid envy. Comparison is the thief of joy. Seek gratitude. Joy is proportionate to your level of gratitude.

Teach them how to handle finances. Strive to live debt-free.

Teach them the importance of healthy habits in eating, sleeping, and exercise.